October 29th, 2016

I know I haven’t updated in months even though I said I was going to but I haven’t had much to say really.  I lost my job in May because the manager of the government lockbox doesn’t like me.  It wasn’t because I wasn’t good at the job or had excessive absences.  I exceeded the speed, my accuracy was off the charts and I never missed.  I’m just not good with people like at all.

I collected unemployment all summer.  I have an interview on Monday for a chiropractic office.  I hope I get it because I need/want to pay my bills this month.

I don’t want to talk about politics with anyone.  I think Donald Trump is a doof.  I fear for everyone if he is elected.  I don’t get how anyone likes that man.

My writing last no longer than me saying I’m so inspired.  Yeah, I’m so not.

And that’s about all that’s in the news……..

I’ll be back eventually!!  Take care.


March 27th, 2016

I’m still trying to be on a diet but haven’t lost anything. I always say I should stop just walking past the treadmill we have in the living room. But I absolutely hate doing things and going anywhere after work. I don’t see the point of just doing it on the weekend. You have to burn 3500 calories to lose one pound. I’d have to walk 21 miles or 7 hours. Yes, I’m aware that I have a sit down job but I’m old and tired.

Work was pretty uneventful this week. We had one of our biggest accounts come in and everyone likes to do this one because the entire thing is typed out. Every year they bring in new people when we get really busy and it seems like they have scraped the bottom of the barrel finding these people but for some reason the people they have brought in now are even worse than the ones they brought in before. The people that are used to doing it had to go triple speed so we could get out the items per hour they want. Not only that, we have to process forms instead of loading the system or doing other jobs because these people can only do about 30 items per hour instead of 85. I guess that’s job security for me. I love it actually. It’s 5 miles from my house and I come home for lunch every day.

I got permission to leave early because my family has all of the little kids go to my aunt’s house to dye Easter eggs. But then she changed it to Saturday instead. So we went and go all of shopping done on Friday. I bought a huge thing of cupcakes to bring to this party. And some tulips for my aunt because she always ends up with a whole house full of people and a huge mess. It was fun. I took a ton of pictures. I think I’m the only person who still carries around a real digital camera though.

I was talking to my cousin’s fiancée’ and I guess he started a delivery company and now Jessica wants a van instead and they asked me if I want my car back when they do. I have to think about it really. I mean I LOVED that car more than most humans but now it has over 120,000 miles on it and it was stolen. They said they were going to fix it first. I guess I can have my brother look at it after I get it back and sell it? I don’t know. It isn’t like I actually go places anyway other than work and shopping. I guess I would have to get a cell phone just in case.

I started writing like I’ve always wanted. I still have the same inspiration. He’s beautiful and I swear I’ve almost played the whole story out in my head. I have no idea who I would ever ask to proofread it though or if it’s any good. But I’m about 10 pages in anyway. I don’t know what it is about him.

I got all of my prescriptions filled on Friday. That cost me $66. I got my nasal spray for allergies because not much of anything seems to be helping. I’ve started to feel sick at work. I’ve also started carrying around snack bars (I don’t want to say granola because let’s face it, they really aren’t anymore) because when I got sick at work I was mad I didn’t have any food with me just sick on candy. That sucked!! But the one that really got me was the heart medication I take to prevent migraines. That was $30 all by itself but if I take that I don’t get headaches 3 or more times a week. I’d say the trade off is worth it. But I did get the medicine for the headache just in case.

We were planning on going shopping today but my brother forgot and my mom doesn’t feel good. I saw a dress I wanted. This summer I’ll have 3 wedding showers and 2 weddings to go to. I also want to go spend a couple hundred dollars at the Disney store which is way cheaper than going to Florida for a couple weeks like I really want to do. I would still rather go there instead of anywhere else.

Alright I guess that’s it. I’m doing laundry and catching up on missed TV which is pretty much my weekends. I seriously need to get a life.

Have a good week!! Oh and Happy Easter!!


March 19th, 2016

Alright I’m back!! I stopped writing because I had this guy follow me on Twitter and he said he liked what I wrote. That isn’t the problem. Ydoucare isn’t my real name obviously. In one of my first posts I wrote that I didn’t want anyone to know what my real name is because on Twitter and my blog I wanted to be able to say whatever I wanted and not have to worry about anyone finding out what my real name was or be offended by anything I said. I mean I’ve heard of people losing out on jobs because of things they said. People want other people to be squeaky clean and never say anything wrong.

This guy however searched me out by my profile picture and found out my real name and all of my accounts and then told me he did it. I mean I know that people look around for interesting people and then want to find out more. Everyone does that but what he did was way over the top. After that I never got over just how creepy that was. He would try to talk to me through a reply on Twitter every once in a while and I’d get mad that he was talking to me at all. Finally after almost 2 years he unfollowed me. I could have blocked him and not ever worried about but I didn’t. I’m not sure why. I did finally put my own picture back up again. I think I look good in that picture at least. Most of the time I don’t allow it to be taken.

However, if I know you and you want to know what my real name is, just ask me. I’ll tell you and you are more than welcome to find me on Face book. I post pictures there. You can meet my whole family. We can become real friends!! I’d like that. I have some of the same friends on both of my accounts. Just don’t do anything creepy like that guy did. Ask me anything and I will tell you the answer. As I’ve gotten older I’m a real tell it like it is person.

And now for the updates-

A couple of years ago I told you about Jeff. I was engaged to him years ago. He wanted to go into the Air Force and live overseas. I didn’t want to go so I ruined the relationship. I was awful to him. I could have been a grown up but I wasn’t. He found me on Face book and I got to give him the apology that he deserved. And then his wife wanted to be my friend too after he spent an afternoon telling me how awful she is. I didn’t accept her. It also didn’t take me long to remember why things wouldn’t have worked out between up. He got on my nerves way back then I just forgot about it. Besides why would he ever tell me about his sex life or lack thereof with his wife after getting in contact with me again? One of my friends told me that she thinks he wants me a side piece. NOT HAPPENING!! I’m not a whore. Besides he doesn’t live in Michigan anymore. I ended up deleting him again a while ago. He started posting a bunch of political things none of which I agreed with. You can’t tell me that your wife only sleeps with girl’s now and then gay bash ANYONE!! And he is a republican which I find even more offensive. So Jeff and I are done again.

I also dumped my 2 celebrity crushes. Their significant others just gross me out and I couldn’t watch it anymore. Besides that I couldn’t watch people suck up to these girls because of these guys!! I just couldn’t anymore!! I found a new one. He is just so stinking cute and older than these other guys. Not that I have any kind of shot. I’m not crazy. However, if I did I could spend days and days just listening to him talk. He could read me the dictionary with his English accent and I would just feel all warm inside. Did I mention I’m not crazy? I have started to admit just how weird I am so I guess that’s progress. I’ve also wanted to try writing stories and he inspires me. I have a main character. I don’t know what it is about him. He is at a convention in Ohio right now. Had I realized the dates were close enough as well as the location I would have asked Melissa to meet me and gotten a hotel room for tonight and we could have gone? We like some of the same things and I’ve always wanted to go to more things like this and never had anyone to go with. I don’t mind paying for extra things if I have the money. I mean renewing my Costco membership could have waited!

Okay what else- I have a job working in a bank, not dealing with the public (BONUS!!) and doing data entry in a lockbox. I’ve made new friends in real life there. It’s pretty cool. Up until now I never realized that businesses pay their taxes monthly. Payroll companies have to turn their withholding taxes in by the 20th every month and we get real busy then. But in the summers, well from about May thru December I’m off for about a week or so every month. What’s not to love about this?! Since my house is paid off with the lottery money my part of the rent is the cable bill. Other than that I have health insurance (I’ll get back to this in a minute) and a student loan bill (this too.) I don’t even have a cell phone. I can make enough money to pay all of these things in 2 weeks. And I get to be on vacation every month!!! WHOO-HOOOOO!!!! Just not right now because it is tax season. I share the car with my mom because she is retired and doesn’t really go anywhere so I don’t have that payment either.

The bank brings in a bunch of people to help with the volume of forms that come in. We started out loading the system for them bit then it ended up them loading the system for us because they suck so hard at making sure the forms are entered correctly they couldn’t take the people out of it that can do the volume at the speed they are asking for. The one and only time they even tried was on the day that we got to go home after the deadline was met. Up until now it was “get your speed up or you’re out” now it just isn’t. I have no idea what’s going on. They want you to be able to do around 90 an hour with almost perfect accuracy. I do just fine. The last time I was timed on single paged forms with no checks I was able to do 240. And they like me there. I don’t know why. I’m a jerk.

I still don’t warm up to new people easily. I didn’t talk all that much for the first 6 months I was there. I don’t trust easily either. I’ve been screwed over too many times to count and I spent all this time thinking I would be let go in a moment’s notice. But some to find out they don’t let people go for just their errors. It has to be something else too. I wish they would have led with that. I spent so much time panicked about it for absolutely nothing.

Oh I gave my car to my cousin. She needed it and I didn’t. I wasn’t working yet and I wasn’t sure if it would even be a good car after I did get a job and was able to have it worked on. It was fine. I worried for nothing but she still needs it and I still don’t. But she had it for a couple months and her boyfriend who is a complete doorknob left the keys in it at a gas station and it was stolen. They got it back but the part of front end is ripped off. She has 3 kids and is only 22 (?) and her boyfriend is still a doorknob. I really hope she doesn’t end up married to him.

I paid off my personal student loan and am paying $164 on another one. My biggest one is on hold because I guess the government is writing off all of the student loan debts from Everest because they promised people jobs after they graduated but they never followed through with the placement of the students. Not only that the loan company never once checked my credit and they ended loaning me $62,000 with interest and the cap is $57,000. But I owe another company $12,000. Yes, I’m completely aware that is a ton of money for a degree I can’t use. I was offered training at right about the same time I got this job as a temp in a billing service but she could promise me that it would turn into a real position or how long it would last. The one at the bank I thought it would at least last around 5 or 6. It was a year in the beginning of December. I really like it most days. I met some great people and I got to come home for lunch most days. It’s great!! That really breaks up the day.

I got insurance and have finally started to go to the doctor. I’m on medication to stop migraines, one in case I actually get a migraine, 2 for depression and anxiety and one for stomach acid which would work really well if I took it like I was supposed to.

One day I decided I wanted finger nails so I stopped biting them. And right now I’m trying really hard to be on a diet. I gave up junk food (well mostly) and I’m trying to eat better. I’m also taking vitamins that are supposed to increase my metabolism and give me energy and these other pills that are supposed to do the same thing but they are diet pills. It’s only been 2 weeks. But if I was really smart I would stop just walking past the treadmill on my way into the kitchen. I really don’t like the way I look and have to remind myself of that every time I wish I was in Ohio this weekend.

I somehow talked my brother into redoing the bathrooms and the kitchen in the house. I bought all of the stuff for mine first because I have a leak and my floor needs to be replaced. And it’s been sitting in my hallway for months. He always seems to find an excuse not to do it and right now it’s because my mom is babysitting for the boys because Shannon went back to school.

And other than that I don’t think I have anything else to report. I still don’t date but since I’ve been working my attitude has improved somewhat. I do think more of myself. I know I’m a good and giving person and a, slowly coming around to believing I have a lot to offer. I don’t know we’ll see. I’m really sarcastic when it comes to my sense of humor and people seem to think I’m pretty funny. I always seem to have something really smart ass to say about something or someone. But I’m really hard to get to know.  Oh and I still watch entirely too much TV. Even more now since it’s my bill and I have to pay it, I had all of the channels put on it.

Anyway, I think I’m going to start writing every couple of weeks again. This has always been one of the best ways for me to work through some things. It always helped me. I always did this for me and my Twitter stalker took it from me.

Have a good week!!

If you have any questions feel free to ask.

June 16th, 2014

I’m not really sure I have all that much to write about but I figured I’d give it a shot anyway. But you know every time I say I don’t have that much to write about I end up writing pages. Hopefully that won’t really happen.


I’m out of school because I hit the cap which means that I can’t get anymore student loans. I’m absolutely okay with this. I hate school anyway. I went back because I was ready and liked it well enough until I had to take algebra which I never understood why I would need this anyway. I don’t need algebra to figure out how big my living room is, what size kiddie pool is going to fit in the yard or balance my checkbook. But this time I went back because I couldn’t find a job (still can’t. I’ll get to that in a minute) and couldn’t pay my student loans. 3 of those I could probably get a hardship forbearance or deferment (whatever) but one other one will not help me at all with anything. They are complete ass holes about it. In fact, they canceled my deferment or forbearance once there was a gap in classes. I finished in mid March and the next set of classes didn’t start until May 12th. Every time I ever said I was still in school and this loan should still be deferred I was ignored. But the funny thing is after all this time they never called me, just sent an occasional email. The really funny thing is I have another student loan with them and that one is still deferred at least until they figure out that I was never able to go back.


The part I’m most disappointed with a bout leaving school is that they didn’t give me the rest of my student loan money back. It wasn’t enough to be able to take any classes but it was enough so that I could have made do for the summer. I could have paid some things, done some things, gone some places, and bought some things I needed. Yes, I realize I would have had to pay it back later.


I broke every computer we have in the house. I need a DC jack and have broken right and left brackets, I blew my mom’s keyboard while playing games on FB when it got too hot and shut off and then the night we went to go see Rent I spilled a few drops (I hope it was only a few drops) of coffee into it and now it won’t start up at all. I didn’t tell my mom about that. I think she is disapointed in me quite enough. I was given a desk top computer by my uncle who works in a bank and every couple of years they replace everything and give them away. It has Windows 2000 for office on it or something and I can’t get anything to come up on it. I can only get part of my home page and it won’t let me look at anything else. When I take all of these computers in to get fixed I was going to see if it could be striped and have a usable Windows put on it. Right now it’s just taking up all kids of space in my room. I got my mini computer to work again by slpicing the power cord TWICE but this one has no speed and I can’t do much of anything on it. I can only see videos if they are on Youtube and even then they can’t be too long and up until I think last week I wasn’t able to see anything on Instagram. I can’t play games, I can’t even accept the requests anymore.


I have been looking for a job, have had several interviews and some of them I thought went pretty well. However, some where in between the phone call of can you come in for the interview and the actually hiring process, something goes horribly wrong. Either I make the absolute worst first impression ever or my references aren’t checking out somehow. I gave them the human resources phone number for all of my references and no my actual supervisors and if you are in human resources you should know that it is illegal for them to say anything bad about me because not one of them have any direct knowledge of me one way or another. In order to give any information at all legally, they have to have worked with me. The only thing human resources can do is verify employment. I’m not sure they are even doing that much. To make a long story even longer, I’m having all kinds of trouble with this. Now on applications I put on in all the time I was in college I was able to stay off of work because my brother won the lottery and paid everything off and every time I thought about getting something at least part time something would happen like my mom got cancer, I broke my foot, she broke her hand, etc. But all of that is because they say if you stay off for too long you aren’t hireable which if I had to guess is 100% correct. I wouldn’t think that my friends I listed as personal references would say anything bad or at least I hope not.


I started working out. For a while I was walking on the treadmill for 3 miles per day to burn 3500 calories per week to lose a pound of fat but I still ate whatever I wanted so that didn’t work. My mom gets a membership to the Romulus Athletic Club free with her insurance and it cost her $5 each time she wanted to take me so we went there. I have a memebership there too now. I mostly lift weights after riding the bike for 2 miles to warm up. But I was still eating whatever I wanted and nothing was happening. So now we go about every other day and lift more weights than anything because I’m hoping to lose flab and reshape. I finally cut out all junkfood. This meant looking for real food if I was hungry instead of eating a danish for lunch or something because I didn’t feel like making anything or popcorn for dinner because no one else in the house made anything. After 12 days I lost 5 pounds. I’m thrilled about this and want to keep going. I also want chocolate but getting to how I want to look is stronger for the first time ever. I want to lose probably 15 more pounds or at least that is what I’m hoping for.


Most of the guys that go to the gym are really old or super cheesy. By that I mean the ones that are younger who seem to be working out to get a larger upper body. There is one who not only does that but has long hair and a bunch of tattoos. You know the ones that can’t even put their arms down to their sides correctly? To be clear, I don’t have anything against tattoos. They can be super hot on the right person. But someone who looks like they are compensating for something like being short but having a huge upper body aren’t hot at all it just adds to the cheddar. It’s weird.


There is one guy there that I’m really attracted to and I honestly have no idea why. He is kind of cute, but looks like he may have had a bad case of acne at one time, he has dark hair and isn’t really big with muscles, he’s fit and apparently had blue eyes which I actually got close enough to see on Saturday. The weird thing is he seemed to go through his workout 2 or 3 times then. Maybe it was because he is now doing something else during the week because I haven’t seen him and was making up for lost time. I’m sure it has nothing to do with me which is just as well. I have no idea how to date anymore. It’s been 13 years now since I’ve dated or anything else for that matter. I’d screw it up. I know it. Besides that until I get a job I’m not sure I have anything to offer. What guy wants to go out with a girl knowing he is going to have to pay for everything all the time? That isn’t much of a partnership. I wouldn’t even be able to pay for my own drink if we went to a bar or something.


We took the kids to the club to swim in the pool just over a week ago and I have been recovering from that sunburn since but now I also have a tan. I never used to get one before we went to Florida for 12 days in 2010. I think I look so much better with a little bit of color even if now you can see all of my scars. I found chicken pox scars I didn’t know I had. But mostly I feel better about myself with the weight loss and the tan. Mabye if I lose a little more I will try on that bikini dnd try to get a little color on my glow in the dark middle section. I’m so many different colors right now it’s hilarious.


What else? Uh I still miss my youngest brother. He still isn’t talking to any of us and we have absolutely no idea what happened. I will admit that some times I’m not the nicest person in the world but I don’t think whatever I did was bad enough for him to hate me/us. I’m always going to wonder what happened. I guess he had been distant for quite a while. Maybe we didn’t see each other or make an effort but he didn’t live that close. I just hope he didn’t think we were using him for his job. We weren’ but him being a mechanic sure made things easier on us.


Speaking of, I tried to give my car away. I decided that I really don’t want it because I look at it and see everything I’ve lost including that car and I don’t want to look at it anymore. I’m not sure if it’s fixable but I’m not sure I want to find out either. I’d hate to put all kinds of money into it and then have to keep putting more and more money into it to keep it working to go to a job that I hate that is far away. My luck is terrible. I can’t see that just because there was absolutely nothing wrong with it when it was parked that there is still not too much wrong with it now. I can see having to have it towed all of the time as it breaks down all the time. Maybe I’ll find a place to donate it to but I would still have to find my missing brother to have him sign the title. 2 of my cousins said they wanted it but now I guess they don’t, who knows? My mom came home last night and said that my one cousin has a van that just broke down again and they just got it fixed so I guess that means she doesn’t want my car then?


What else? I had to unfriend someone on FB that I have known for years and years because she is a poor republican who doesn’t believe in equal rights and every time she posts something to that effect I want to smack the crap out of her. It was better for me anyway. I’m an angry enough person without having that in my life. I never said anything to her about her posts no matter how bad I wanted to. I have an aunt that I sometimes do say something to about her views. She doesn’t believe that everyone has a right to healthcare because she thinks no one can afford it and it is what her taxes are going for. I politely pointed out that she is completely wrong. She thinks that you shouldn’t be able to ask for help even if you aren’t making ends meet. You should get 3 jobs if you have to. I asked her what she would have done if when her kids were little would she have gotten 3 jobs and let someone else raise her kids instead of taking state aid or medicaid and let someone else raise her kids for her and she wouldn’t answer me. The thing that I find so absolutely infuriating about her though is she works in the cath lab at a hospital and says she deals with billers all day long but still doesn’t think everyone should have insurance?!!


Right now all I seem to be doing after applying for jobs is watching my omdemand. I have found a couple series that I like that haven’t watched before. I looked around and found entire seasons of shows that I’ve missed like Graceland and Orphan Black which I really like. It’s at least giving me something to do for the time being. But I’m having a hard time not feeling guilty about it. It seems so wrong to me watching TV instead of working or at least going to college anymore. But I gotta say I love watching shows a whole season at a time. LOVE IT!! I hate cliffhangers and I sure don’t want to wait for more later on.


I guess that’s all I have to report. Nothing exciting ever happens here. If something good happens I’m genuinely shocked but hopefully something good happens soon. I hate my life the way it is now. I’m so lost and stuck. I don’t know what to do and I can’t see a way out especially if no one will take a chance and hire me. I’m not looking to be saved but is it too much to aks to have someone tell me everything will be okay?


Anyway, take care of yourself, surround yourself with people who care about you and not people whop suck the life right out of you by being around. However, my posts should make you feel better about yourself. At least you can say “whew thank god that isn’t me!!” Hopefully I will have something good to report long before 6 or 7 months. Much love. So until next time…….



November 18, 2013

I’m always confused when I see that someone read my diary and this week was no exception.  I went back and read a couple of entries trying to see if there was anything that I shouldn’t have said because there usually is or something I should have said because there always is.

I left out one part in my abuse entry. Granted this takes place years afterwards but the way I was treated badly didn’t really end there.  I went out with some other guys, I even lived with one for a couple of years but it was always what they could get from me and eventually I decided that I had had quite enough of that and completely closed myself off.  I thought being alone was being treated that way.  It is too a point but I regret that I stopped trying.  I could have continued going out and trying to find Mr. Right and fallen in love again and possibly gotten the life I wanted and deserved but I didn’t.  I really regret that.  Settling for less or nothing at all is no way to live.

The time is gone before you know it and it’s time you can’t get back either.  Living less than the life you want and deserve is absolutely no way to live.  If you aren’t happy (and I am really not) it’s up to you to live the life you want, that will make you happy.  I wish I had.  Living this way is awful.  And just like when I was in those relationships when I wish someone would have told me that I was making a mistake, I wish someone had told me that I was making a huge mistake when I closed myself off.  This is not the life I wanted.

Alright other than that I don’t think I have very much to report.  I was really sick last week and made a doctor’s appointment and then ended up cancelling it because even if I went I couldn’t afford to get any prescriptions.  My mom then gave me her antibiotic but it just so happens to be the one that I’m allergic to so I had a reaction to it the 2 nights I took it.  No shock there.

I called one of those prescription help sites where no matter what your income is you can get your prescriptions for free or close to it.  Since I’ve had several headaches I was wondering if I could get that for free and I can’t but I can get the 30 doses for around $40 instead of $300 and if I had $40 I’d be a really happy camper.

So on top of being sick I’m having problems with my teeth all of a sudden and can’t go get that taken care of either.

School sucks.  I hate it.  One of my teachers is super nice and was really nice about me being sick the other one is a complete jerk.  I know that she doesn’t have to be lenient if I tell her that I’m sick but I get the feeling that even if I had gone to the ER Friday with kidney pain instead of turning in my homework and had produced a doctor’s note she would still be a complete jerk about it.  I was sick as hell on the late day too.  This week in the discussion questions were are talking about prejudice.  I did the discussion part but I don’t really understand what they is to reply to about that kind of thing.

In my other class though one of the discussion questions is a woman sued the hospital for mental distress after she wasn’t given her own blood she donated herself during surgery and won and the question was whether or not she should have.  And the other one is when does control over one’s body begin and when does it end.  That one turned into an abortion debate.

My new career counselor sent out 200 resume faxes after she told me that it wasn’t her job to find me a job.  I couldn’t believe she said that.  I thought that is what placement was.  But I haven’t heard anything.  I’m not really looking forward to the holidays because I have nothing to give anyone.  Remember how I said this is not how I thought my life would turn out?  This is another big reason.  I feel like everyone is looking down on me all the time.  Like I should have figured everything out years ago.  And maybe I should have but is that really for anyone else to say?  Is making me feel bad about it helping anything?

I went trick or treating with the kids and that was pretty fun even though it was really cold and rainy.  Brett’s birthday party was last weekend and that was okay except for the part where they have a tiny house and when Brett was opening presents I was in the kitchen part of the room and couldn’t see a thing.  So when they asked me to take pictures I asked my cousin who was sitting in the room to take pictures and she refused.  So which one of us looks bad?  That’s right.  Me.

Thanksgiving everyone (well not everyone, my immediate family is around 50 people) goes to my aunt and uncles for dinner.  We don’t.  I haven’t gone in years.  We have dinner here and then my mom goes for pie and coffee.  But these are the aunt and uncle who make me feel really bad about myself every single time I see them so why would I go.  For starters, my aunt is a republican and I disagree with everything she stands for and my uncle the last time I saw him told me that I need to get a full time job.  On my birthday I told him that I had lost 10 pounds from my 11 day long gall bladder attack and he told me I need to lose more.

I read somewhere that you need to burn 3500 calories a week to lose 1 pound of fat.  In order for me to do that I would have to walk 3 miles per day everyday of the week.  I don’t know if I have that in me but I’m going to try.  Or at least I keep saying that every single day and then I still walk right by the treadmill.  Or I feel sick.  But then I also think that if I did it it would also help with my energy and it would work out some of the anxiety I have.  I hope anyway.

The power came back on today after being out for 21 hours.  That was torture.  Last night I had no idea what to do with myself.  I even considered Solitaire with Uno cards because I can’t find the 2 decks I have somewhere in my room.  Although I have to say that if I was with someone playing cards or games by candlelight could have been really fun.  I did read a little bit by candle light.  Today my brother hooked up the generator and I was able to have coffee and watch Glee DVD’s on the computer and then when it over heated and the disc wouldn’t play right I played Solitaire on the games that come with the computer.  It wasn’t bad.  But I’m glad the power came on because it was super cold.  One thing’s for sure if I would have lived in the time before electricity where you had to make your own clothes I would have died.  I would have died naked.

So I guess that’s all I really have to report.  I will write again soon.  Take care of yourself and don’t settle for less.  Don’t live with any kind of regret.  Go after what you want and love with your whole heart.  Do something nice for you.

See ya soon!!

October 16, 2013

I don’t really have anything to report this week either. I’m just coming off of a 6 day migraine.  It was bad enough so that I was throwing up on Saturday and went to the urgent care on Sunday which really did no good because I still had it for another 2 days. 

I still have to go into the site for school to accept my loans and order my books.  I wonder if I can do that for the next 2 terms because my classes are already scheduled.  I’ll have to ask.

My mom was all kinds of nasty to me today.  She got a lunch invitation that I couldn’t go to because when I woke up this morning I was still sick.  When I told her about it she seemed alright but then I asked her if she could bring me something back and she said no.  She said she didn’t know if she was paying which I guess I understand but what was she going to do if I went?  Have me wait in the car until she knew what was going on?  She finally said that she would bring me nachos back but what did I want if they didn’t have nachos?  I said surprise me but not pizza.  She also said that she was going to get me Nyquil which believe it or not sometimes helps but I completely forgot that she said that so when she got back with it I got yelled at again because my headache was gone for the most part by then so that was completely wrong too.

All I can say is that I’m never ever going off of the Provera pill again.  I forgot to take it last month and then never started anyway so I didn’t take it this month because I thought I didn’t need to but then my headaches came back again.  I had no idea it was doing that, I never put it together.  I wasn’t taking it for birth control; I didn’t need it for that.  Still don’t but I would rather not get the 6 day long headache.  Ever! 

As for the guy, I tried not to care about him or what he is going through.  If he doesn’t want my help after I offered there is nothing I can do about it.  I haven’t written to him but I did change my fake name to a faker name and commented on the gossip about him.  If he read the messages I sent him, he would know exactly which one of the comments I wrote.  If you paid close enough attention to what was going on with him you might believe all of the rumors were true, I did.  But then pictures came out from over the weekend and they were awful chummy for 2 people that act like they hate each other every other time.  I mean you would really have to scream at someone in the middle of a bar right?  But I guess not. 

I think I’m done with the whole thing anyway.  Either way he doesn’t seem to be living so that he is true to himself and if he wants to live with that punishment there is nothing I can do or say.  I offered to be there if he wanted to talk about it or if he wanted help.  If the relationship is fake though I would have hoped that he would have picked a better girl.  I swear I look at her and I can just tell something is up with that girl.  You know how you get a feeling about someone?  I would still have that feeling even if I wasn’t jealous.  And oh boy am I jealous.  I think he is a charming, good looking, dork.  Everything I ever wanted in a guy/crush/mistake.  Just kidding about the mistake part.  But honestly, I’m a little bit disappointed in him either way.  Either he is too accepting that he is being screwed over, not happy and won’t or can’t get out.  But seriously if you aren’t happy, get out before you make yourself sick with anger and resentment which will also make you physically ill.  There is nothing that is worth that.  NOTHING.  People that loved you before are still going to love you.  People that didn’t aren’t worth knowing. 

I don’t really care that Detroit is in the play offs.  I just don’t want to see them make it all the way to the World Series and lose again like last year. 

I don’t really care about the government shut down either.  I don’t have any money anyway.  I got into school and there was no problems or delays with that.  What I do care about is when someone who is republican post bull shit on FB and I have to look at it.  It makes me want to share every single liberal post.  But you will be glad to know that I have been really well behaved. 

The kids were here on Friday.  I noticed that Rachael with scream bloody murder if Brett touches her even if he didn’t hurt her to get him in trouble.  The thing that I really have a problem with is that he is only 1 (he will be 2 in November) and I think that is way too young to be punishing a child be spanking him.  He gets spankings all the time.  He expects it.  He will ask if he is going to get one.  How do I say something to his mother without sounding like I’m accusing her of abusing her baby?!  And even if I did I’m not so sure that she would even listen. 

I also told her that she should go to Davenport because they transferred 64 of my credits out of my Associate’s degree.  She applied to Eastern and they won’t transfer any credits from her degree so she has to start all over.  Plus she has 3 little kids it is probably a much better idea for her to go online.  She won’t even consider it.  And then I guess she told my mom that my cousin wants her to wait another year and start next fall.  I just have this feeling that she is never going to end up going.

Both boys are spending the night on Thursday.  Which means I will get no sleep.  I didn’t every other time the kids spent the night especially when they had Justin.  We couldn’t wait for them to go home but that was 3 nights.  I guess when Brett went home after that he slept until 10 the next morning but when he was here he wouldn’t sleep through the night and woke up really early.  This should be lots of fun.  Looking forward to it.   No really.

When the kids were here another black kitten came over to visit and play with the kids.  But we already have one and she is old and grumpy.

I’m also really, really glad that all of the new shows are back on.  I’m not as bored now. 

I also want you to know that eventually I will act like a grown up even though I have never been accused of such a thing.  I’m a good person and take pride in that and will not ever let anyone down that means something to me.  I hope you know that.  I feel bad saying all of these things about other people while I’m not able to take care of myself the way I wanted to.  I feel like a complete hypocrite as a matter of fact.  But just know that I’m never asking for anything from anyone, I would never, I don’t feel comfortable asking or accepting that kind of thing but if I have it to give, I absolutely would.  Even if it is just that “everything is going to be okay” hug.  I want what is absolutely best for the people I care about.  I mean that.  I don’t want to see those people hurt and would go out of my way to make sure that never happened.  You can trust me always. 

I guess that’s really it.  I don’t have too much of anything left to say.  Have a good week.  Do something nice for yourself, be true to yourself and do what makes you happy.  Much love.

October 7th, 2013

I don’t think I really have anything to say but I want to try to go back to writing once a week for the sake of my own sanity.  I have to go tomorrow for an appointment to straighten out my financial aid and stuff.  I thought the appointment was going to be pretty cut and dry but I got a letter in the mail asking for tax returns which I don’t have because I didn’t work and didn’t file.  All hail the lottery gods!!  I never would have been able to go to college had that not happened.

I’m confused though with all of the things I’m supposed to do.  At Everest they scheduled my classes, sent my books, and set everything up to be able to do that.  At Davenport she said I can set up my own classes (I told her I wanted her to do it), accept my loans (I didn’t ever have to do that before) and order my own books.  

Most of the classes are seven weeks and they will only let me take 2 at a time which I guess I’m okay with because it’s all the work of a 12 week class squeezed into a shorter time.  She told me there are a couple of classes that are 10 weeks and at some time I’m going to have to take a presentation class which I’m going to hate.  She said she wouldn’t advise taking it online because if I do I have to find an audience and video tape my presentation.  Where the heck am I going to find an audience?!   But at the same time if I go take the class in school I will absolutely never be able to stand in front of the class and give any kind of presentation.  I’m kind of screwed.  Too bad I don’t have a choice.  I need to have my student loans deferred and this is the only way.  I promised myself that no matter what I would do this no matter how much I hate school and believe me, I hate it but if I set my mind to it I’m pretty good at it.  7 weeks goes by really fast.  And I feel like a lump while I’m not doing anything.  I didn’t feel as bad before I graduated.

Plus I need to ask if their classes are all sign in when you want to and turn in your assignments.  The whole reason for going online is so I don’t have to work around anything in case I get a job which so far doesn’t look all the promising but I guess we are going to go back to babysitting more because Shannon is planning on going to Eastern for elementary teaching and is going to go take classes there a couple of days a week.  My mom will get Rachael out of school every day when that happens.

My mom ordered 2 tubs of cookie dough from Rachael’s school fund raiser and is going to her open house on Tuesday night.  Brett and Justin and spending the night on the 17th because Rachael and Shannon are going to Princesses on Ice or something like that.  And for the last couple of years we went trick or treating with Rachael and I will probably do that again.  We don’t get any trick or treaters here at all. 
They all go to a costume parade or something like that in downtown Belleville. 

I also need to go walking on the treadmill for a couple miles per day.  I seem to say that every week and never do it but I think I’m going to have to make myself do it.  I never seemed to lose weight but I never put the weight I lost back in June when I had my last gall bladder attack.  But I always seem to quit after a couple days.  I think the longest I went was like 5 or something.  If I did 2 miles and stuck with it maybe I would.  I also need to go back to taking my vitamins and not quit doing that either.  I need to get healthy so I can continue to be tortured by going to college.  Yeah.

My brother asked if he could borrow my exercise bike.  He was in here measuring everything to see if he could get it out of my door which to be completely honest I didn’t think it would work out because now I have a bookshelf behind it and it only opens about halfway now.  He said he would take the door off it he needed to.  The funny thing is because he is so broad if he walks straight in he gets stuck in the doorway but the bike didn’t. 

Yesterday for the first time in I don’t know how long I did what I was planning to do.  I finished all of my laundry and did all of the floors in my side of the house.  And then I ended up putting my air conditioner on because it’s so humid.  No actually that isn’t really true.  I put my air conditioner on at about 1:00 in the morning because everything felt wet especially my bed and carpet.  I turned it off today but ended up turning it back on because of all of the rain coming down and not letting me open the window to get some fresh air.  I also caught up on an insane amount of missed television shows.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I watch entirely too much TV.

I’m even boring myself while writing this out.

I’m going to try to keep my opinions to myself from now on.  I’m also not going to try to help anyone who didn’t ask for it.  I know that I have waded through some huge piles a crap and come out the other side much better for it having learned a thing or two but I don’t think everyone else sees it that way.  I can say “I know what you are going through and I know how this is going to turn out” but most people don’t want to hear it. 

I was thinking about it today.  Being in a relationship sometimes reminds me of dealing with the kids.  They will push and push to see what they can get away with.  And then what they can get away with they will push harder to see if you give in.  Once you are in a relationship for a while and things really start to go bad because your significant other treats you like crap there is absolutely nothing that is going to make them stop.  Why would they? 

In my experience Wes already saw me as weak so standing up for myself did absolutely nothing.  It took me leaving for him to move on to a girl we worked with and he did the exact same thing to her but at least when he did it to me there was some build up with her it was pretty much right away.  He took her tax return and her car, skipped work and went and did drugs.  He ended up losing his job too.  I don’t know if it was still my fault because we stopped talking but I’m sure it was hers according to him.

He got away with treating me anyway he felt like and doing to me whatever he wanted for so long why would he stop?  He did whatever he wanted and I stayed and tolerated it.  And why not keep doing something you know you are going to get away with?  Someone who doesn’t treat you with respect and calls you names is always going to do that.  You wouldn’t tolerate that kind of behavior from someone you aren’t in a relationship with so why would you tolerate it from someone who is supposed to love you? 

Anyway, I’m going to stop giving advice and I’m going to try to stop caring.  I was just going by what I heard that may or may not be true I honestly have no idea but every time I see something about his personal life I start to think less of him and I know I shouldn’t.  I wish when I was going through this someone had the guts to tell me I was making a mistake but no one did.  Of course I was young and still had a lot to learn.  I had to make my own mistakes.  And so does he.  I was just trying to save him a lot of time and grief.  If he is going through anything that I did, it isn’t going to get better because she doesn’t ever think she is going to lose him so why change the way she acts.  But I care about him and worry about what is going to happen to him.  Nobody deserves to be treated that way. 

Alright that’s really all I can think of to say for now.  I might update tomorrow after my appointment if it goes well but for the most part I’m not really expecting it to.  I think I have to fill out more junk on my FAFSA saying that I haven’t filed taxes in years because I haven’t worked.  I already did that once this year I have no idea why I have to do it again.  Other than switching schools, nothing has really changed.

So see ya!!  Take care of yourself.  Do something nice for you. 

Abusive Relationships and Self Esteem

I met my ex husband when I was 20 I think.  I may have blocked it out.  When I met him I honestly didn’t think too much of him.  I really liked his roommate though until he turned out to be stupid but he was nice looking.  Isn’t that always the way?

I’m not even sure how I ended up going out with my ex.  I don’t remember dating.  I remember when we started living together.  I think it was okay for a while but that didn’t last.

My mom ended up losing her house because of her ex-husband and his gambling problem turning into a huge credit card debt and an equity loan out on the house that she couldn’t pay after he left her.  This somehow helped me see that I will never put anyone else’s name on this house even if I get married again.  I will never have any credit cards alone because I don’t want the debt.  At no time am I ever going to be trusting enough to let someone else put me into debt.  This house is and will always be my backup plan and no one is going to take it from me.  This is also the main reason I went to college.  I want to be able to afford this place and take care of myself with absolutely no problem or help.

I ended up living with Wes in Canton in a room in the basement and that’s when I remember everything going to hell.  It started out with the small things and him knowing that I had severe self esteem issues.  I still do but not as bad I think.  As I remember it this is when he either started doing drugs again or it just got worse I’m not really sure.  I try not to think about this too much because it makes me so mad.

He would disappear for days at a time.  I knew where he was and one day I went over there and sat in front of this guy’s house waiting for Wes to come out but he never did.  I was so close to going home, packing up his clothes and stuff and taking them over there and telling his “friend” (or dealer I guess it depends on just how you want to look at it) that he could keep Wes and he lives there now.  I wish I would have.

I also remember his telling me that I was the reason he had to do drugs and that’s when the abuse got really bad.  One time we were standing in our room and he took his thumbs and pushed on my front teeth really hard because he wanted to mess up my straight teeth which he actually did.  It isn’t really noticeable but they don’t go straight across any longer, they go inwards a little bit in the middle.

He punched me, kicked me, and threatened me.  He would tell me that this is what I deserved.  He would tell me that no one else was ever going to love me, that I was ugly.  He did everything he possibly could to make me feel that I had this coming.

We ended up moving out of Canton because my mom couldn’t make the rent by herself.  Her friend wasn’t paying and Wes was smoking all of the money he and I both made.  Sadly that continued for quite some time.  We then moved in with my father and since Wes and I were already engaged, my father pushed us into setting a date and getting married.  My father is a cruel man.  He thought we were all worthless because we never went to college and he thought that if I didn’t get married, he would end up taking care of me for the rest of my life.  What is even worse is he knew exactly how Wes was.  Marrying me off to an abusive druggie was somehow better than saving me from him.  Wes would throw that up in my face every chance he got too.

My father decided that he wanted to go back to slutting around so he wanted us to move out.  He bought us a house and we were to pay him $500 a month for it which didn’t even work out past the first month.  Wes was still smoking all of his money and I couldn’t find a job.  The abuse continued and the money he was making clearly wasn’t enough because I woke up one morning to find everything that plugs in (portable radios, CD players and VCRs) gone to pay for drugs.

One night after a huge fight I told him he wasn’t allowed to take my car to go get more drugs and he tried to run me over with my own car in the driveway.  I called my dad crying and he showed up the next day to loan us money and as passive as I was I didn’t stand up and say we are not going to pay off your dealer with this money but I didn’t.  Again, I wish I would have.  My dad ended up blaming me for everything and taking the house away shortly after that.

We moved to New Jersey with his sister because we had absolutely no where else to go after that.  The abuse continued.  One night he punched me dead in the face.  I used to call my mom collect all the time and tell her I wanted to come home but I never would.  I wasn’t ready.  As I said, he used to say awful things to me and I believed him but since we were living out of state the things he said were much worse.  He would tell me that my family didn’t want me either and I believed him.

I don’t want you to think that I was passive all the time and took all of the abuse because I didn’t.  I did get some really good shots in too sometimes but not always.  I honestly wish I would have gotten more because of the 2 of us that deserved this treatment it was clearly him.

When we finally got our own apartment it was so much worse.  So much worse.  He made a friend that he could do drugs with so that started again.  The only really good thing is that we worked different shifts in different buildings.  He worked in receiving and I worked in shipping.  So I didn’t really have to see him all that much which honestly was completely fine with me.

One of his friends from here came to live with us one time.  That lasted about a month.  Everything was completely fine until I got up one morning and went out into the living room without Wes and he accused us both of screwing around.  His friend left and went home that day and I was suddenly a total slut that was screwing everyone.

One time we had a huge shipment going out because they got a huge contract to set up a whole bunch of stores.  Honestly I lost all track of time but didn’t want to go home.  He showed up and practically dragged me out of there because I hadn’t called for a ride to come home yet.  His friend was there that I supposedly had a huge crush on working too.  When I got home I was beaten severely and had an actual bruise on my chest.  When he thought I was having an affair with someone else in shipping he kicked me repeatedly with his work boots on.  It took a month for the bruises on my legs to go away.  Once I thought I was pregnant and he punched me in the stomach because he was mad at me for some reason.  I don’t even remember why but he also knew I was late.  He did it to punish me and take something from me that I really wanted.

Throughout all of this I thought that this was what I deserved.  I was never ready to leave him.  I still believed everything he said to me.  He said my family didn’t want me around, that must have been true right?  That is until he said it was okay with him if I went home for my grandfather’s 75th birthday party and I found out for myself that everything he said was wrong.  That somehow gave me strength.

I got home and when I went to work on Monday, he had for some reason left his wallet in the car along with several ATM receipts which basically let me know that he cleaned out the bank account again and my car payment that I had paid just before I left was going to bounce.  I went home to confront him and he pushed me down so that my armpit caught the top of the kitchen chair on the way down.  I even called 911 but chickened out and hung up.  They showed up but I didn’t say anything but I think they pretty much knew what was going on because I was crying.  Instead that was really what it took for me to decide that I had had enough and wanted out.  I packed up my car with what I could and drove home which was really something because I had never driven on the freeway before.

The point is, I had to decide for myself what exactly was good for me and what I would accept.  I had to be ready to decide that I wanted and deserved better.  But no one deserves to be treated badly for any reason.  He took everything from me and did humiliate me in public every chance that he got and I just took it.  I didn’t think I deserved any better treatment.  If my father would sell me off to someone as low as he is, who was I to question any of that?  And we were together for years.  I thought that being with him was better than being alone.  It isn’t.

Everyone deserves someone that will treat you like you are the sun, moon and stars.  Everyone deserves someone that will encourage you to do and want better.  Everyone deserves someone who will speak to you and treat you nicely.  Who won’t humiliate them in public but if there is a problem talk to them privately and with respect (I was told I’m horrible in bed in the middle of a McDonald’s.  I’m not. He also told me I didn’t have a good body once.  I was really skinny with big boobs when we met).  But you have to be willing to tell the people that don’t treat you that way to leave because you deserve better.

It took a lot for me to get here and I refuse to go back.  I deserve someone that will love me for me and not try to take anything from me.  Not my self esteem, my house, my life, my bank account.  I deserve someone that will tell me that no one else is ever going to love me because I am never going to be stupid enough to let me go.  Love someone who is going to love me for me and not what I could give them.  Someone who wants nothing more than my heart.

You don’t have to take crap from anyone for any reason and you shouldn’t either.  If someone gives you nothing but crap, you have no reason to ever want to be there and you really shouldn’t.  Before you can take care of anyone else you have to take care of you.  If someone knows they can treat you any kind of way that’s exactly how they are going to treat you.

But another thing is you know pretty much right away whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.  If you are years into a relationship and you still don’t know, you can pretty much bet that you don’t.  Be with someone you can see yourself loving for the rest of your life.  Be with someone you enjoy spending time with.  You have worked far too hard to get everything you wanted.  You worked far too hard to create the life you wanted.  You worked far too hard to be with someone who has no class and wants to take it from you.  You deserve to be with someone who will encourage you and be proud of everything you accomplished.

Always, ALWAYS remember that.  Take care of you.  People that truly love you only want great things for you.  People who truly love you don’t want to see you hurt or hurt you.  People that truly love you are proud of you.  People that truly love you don’t have a hidden agenda.  You get what you give.  Treat people the way you want to be treated.  There is always someone out there that would be proud to call you their own.  Be with that person instead of someone that would hurt you for kicks.  Someone out there will love you with everything they have.  Remember that too.

September 27, 2013

I got a call from school today and they said they finally got my grant money but they were only sent the $172 I still owed so according to them I won’t be getting a refund at all.  I was counting on that money.  Now I have no idea what to do here.  I’m still waiting to hear from that one job at the eye place.  Not that I really want to take it but if it comes through, I really need to.  I like to be able to eat. 

As I said, I’m asset heavy and cash poor.  Poor as in unless I help babysit I feel bad about asking for the 2 gallons of milk I go through in a week’s time.  But I really wanted to buy some diet food, paint mugs and things to give for Christmas you know things like that.  I also would like to do more than just walk past the treadmill every day.  Even if I just did one mile a day?  But I know me.  I would try to do 3 per day and then get discouraged because after 4 I didn’t lose anything and then I’d still didn’t lose anything.

Anyway, tomorrow I actually have to open my envelope I got from Davenport and look it over, print the forms from my 3 student loan companies to fill out and turn in to Davenport so they can fill out their part and fax those, make copies of a couple things, and fill out my FAFSA for Davenport all while babysitting.  It should be interesting and take a long time because my mom will take the 2 older ones for walks and that kind of thing but leave me with the baby who doesn’t like to be out down.

I think they are really cute but I’m more of the I like to do what I want when I want and I’m not comfortable in most spaces except my own space.  Oddly enough that even includes most of my house.  I like my room, my bathroom and one chair in the kitchen but only if the computer is right there. 

And again I apologize for things that I have said about other people.  I know I shouldn’t talk about the guy I was talking about earlier but I honestly feel terrible for him.  He is being treated so badly and he deserves so much better.  I want to fix it for him, hug him and tell him everything is going to be okay, explain what his life could be without this whole mess. 

I will write back on Monday after I get all of my classes for the year and find out how many I actually have to take.  I find it hard to believe that it’s only 20 but we’ll see.  Have a great weekend!!!  Take care of yourself.  Do something nice for yourself.  Much love.

September 26, 2013

Someone actually read my diary yesterday and I’m not sure what to do with this information.  I want you to know that I write all of this out to work through some of my issues.  It shouldn’t mean anything to anyone else and I sure don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.  It’s just a crush and a weird one that that I suppose.  It’s not like I would ever have any chance with this guy but at the same time I not exactly sure I would ever want one.  There are a lot of weird rumors going around about him this week.

First his girlfriend humiliated him in front of a whole bar full of people because he was talking to someone else and wasn’t paying attention to her after it was said she was doing cocaine in the bathroom.  There is never a reason to scream at anyone in public no matter what you think they did.  And then a couple days later another gossip item came out that said he was whoring around in Vegas and then got screamed at in front of a hotel full of people. Again, no screaming in public.  Second, he is going to pick someone else up in a bar and take her to his hotel room while his girlfriend is in Vegas too?  The whole thing doesn’t make any sense to me.  However, in the comments section of the first rumor someone said she knows someone who was there and witnessed it.  But why does this have to be public?  I was talking to one of my friends about it and she said that sometimes publicists release some of this information and they have approval of this.  I don’t understand that either.  I would never approve the release of a story that said I was a whore. 

I think he has to be completely miserable with this whole situation and I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  This girlfriend is not good for him. She is using him in every possible way to get fans, friends and contacts for herself and doesn’t seem to care about ruining his reputation to do that.  I feel terrible for him.  I sent him a message telling him I understand about being with someone who has a drug problem and if he want to talk about it let me know.  I doubt he got the message.  He needs to be with someone who has absolutely no interest in being in the same business as he is.  Someone who isn’t using him to advance their own career. 90% of her followers in Twitter are because he is her boyfriend and she doesn’t want to lose that.  I think she is a horrible person and she is mean to him all the time from what I’ve heard.  He deserves better.  And I don’t mean me.  There is too big of an age difference.

I think crushes are safe.  My heart never really gets broken, I don’t have to change anything about myself and I can use every excuse I can think of to keep things exactly the way there are.  I don’t have to get ready to go out, it doesn’t cost me any money to go out, none of that.  My heart and feelings are not on the line, I won’t get hurt.

I was supposed to have an appointment with school to get my classes set up for the next year.  I’m not sure if I told you I got into Davenport for my Bachelor’s degree or not.  I got an envelope in the mail that says “congratulations you’ve been accepted” on it.  I’ve never gotten one before.  I thought it was pretty cool.  Anyway, I have the appointment on Monday now.  I said I had to change it because I had a migraine when actually I got up and was non-functioning.  Just like every day I tried to pull myself together but couldn’t make it.  Maybe there is more wrong with me than I thought.  I’ve been on all kinds of medication for that before but not one of them actually worked for me.  Some of them even had the opposite effect on me and made me even bitchier.  But this time I know exactly what’s wrong.

I have to fill out my FAFSA for Davenport and I’m pretty sure that I should do it by Monday before the appointment to get my classes so I fill out the rest of my paperwork while I’m there.  However, I filled it out for Everest like they told me to but they said they are having a problem getting the money.  I still owe them $172 which really doesn’t sound like anything I guess.  I mean if I had $172 to pay anyone.  But the thing is when I was attending school there I checked the box that said return unused loan money to me instead of the bank and when they get that grant money I’m entitled to a refund of at least $1700 which I could really use for groceries and Christmas and stuff like that.  I bought all of the gifts that my mom was supposed to give last year (that is not the plan this year) and this year I’m thinking of making cheesecake cookie bites again because they were really a hit.  Just not all 4 kinds I made last year.  I took me days to make all that.  I also need to make chili to freeze.  I make huge pots freeze it in individual bowls and then throughout the winter you can have a bowl in chili in 7 minutes.

I’ve had several interviews.  I mean enough so that I don’t even want to look at my black suit for a while, about 2 a week anyway.  I was offered one that I turned down because the place was a complete dump and they wanted to pay me less money than anyone else to train me to be a medical assistant.  If I wanted to be a medical assistant that’s what I would have gone to school for instead.  Anyway, I walked into the office the carpet was stained, the building was really old and there was so much clutter I have no idea how they ever find anything.  There are signs all over the place that say you must pay now and there was even one that said that if your pain meds are stolen you must bring in a police report in order to be able to get a new prescription.  Of course they offered me the job but I said I didn’t think the position was for me.  The super weird part is that she called me again on Monday.  I have no idea why but I haven’t changed my mind about working there.

My other interview last week was for an eye care place in Ann Arbor right by the Ann Arbor Saline Rd exit.  You can actually see it from the exit.  I kind of want that one but I haven’t heard anything from them yet.  It’s close enough and the money will be decent enough but I’ve never billed eye care before and it’s mostly front desk which I have done before either.  Not where I had to deal with patients and scheduling and stuff like that.  I hope I get it because I’m broke and I can’t even begin to tell you how bored I am.  I feel like a complete lump sitting here all the time especially since school doesn’t start for another month.  But I guess I will be looking back on this time fondly once I have both and have no time what-so-ever for anything and I miss everyone and everything because of it.

Oh anyway, since I lied (and I try never to do that, do unto other’s ya know?) karma kicked me hard in the ass.  Yesterday I had a migraine for real.  I was sick as hell all day long and then I got sicker from taking Excedrin which felt like it hate a huge hole in the front of my stomach.  I sat there for hours wondering what the heck I was going to do about it before I realized I still have prescription pain meds left. Come to think of it I think maybe something that was in that pot roast might be a trigger.  I felt okay before I ate today but not really now.  I’m wearing my glasses again hoping that is going to help.

The kids are going to be here again tomorrow.  Brett was here on Tuesday by himself because Justin had to go to the doctors and Rachael was in school.  After he got up from his nap he came into my room when I went out to the living room to bug him but we had to go tell my mom he needed a diaper.  I’m not getting paid to babysit, I’m NOT doing diapers.  Anyway, my mom asked him if he did poo-poo and he said no “Jane did poo-poo.”  She laughed and brought it up for the rest of the day every chance she got.  He is adorable.  Just not when he is violent.  He hasn’t done anything bad to me the last couple of times he was here.  He usually gets in big trouble for that.  I mean I like my hair pulled just not by a one year old.

I guess that’s it.  I can’t think of anything else I want to write now so I guess I will say goodbye for now.  Have a lovely day!!