I met my ex husband when I was 20 I think. I may have blocked it out. When I met him I honestly didn’t think too much of him. I really liked his roommate though until he turned out to be stupid but he was nice looking. Isn’t that always the way?
I’m not even sure how I ended up going out with my ex. I don’t remember dating. I remember when we started living together. I think it was okay for a while but that didn’t last.
My mom ended up losing her house because of her ex-husband and his gambling problem turning into a huge credit card debt and an equity loan out on the house that she couldn’t pay after he left her. This somehow helped me see that I will never put anyone else’s name on this house even if I get married again. I will never have any credit cards alone because I don’t want the debt. At no time am I ever going to be trusting enough to let someone else put me into debt. This house is and will always be my backup plan and no one is going to take it from me. This is also the main reason I went to college. I want to be able to afford this place and take care of myself with absolutely no problem or help.
I ended up living with Wes in Canton in a room in the basement and that’s when I remember everything going to hell. It started out with the small things and him knowing that I had severe self esteem issues. I still do but not as bad I think. As I remember it this is when he either started doing drugs again or it just got worse I’m not really sure. I try not to think about this too much because it makes me so mad.
He would disappear for days at a time. I knew where he was and one day I went over there and sat in front of this guy’s house waiting for Wes to come out but he never did. I was so close to going home, packing up his clothes and stuff and taking them over there and telling his “friend” (or dealer I guess it depends on just how you want to look at it) that he could keep Wes and he lives there now. I wish I would have.
I also remember his telling me that I was the reason he had to do drugs and that’s when the abuse got really bad. One time we were standing in our room and he took his thumbs and pushed on my front teeth really hard because he wanted to mess up my straight teeth which he actually did. It isn’t really noticeable but they don’t go straight across any longer, they go inwards a little bit in the middle.
He punched me, kicked me, and threatened me. He would tell me that this is what I deserved. He would tell me that no one else was ever going to love me, that I was ugly. He did everything he possibly could to make me feel that I had this coming.
We ended up moving out of Canton because my mom couldn’t make the rent by herself. Her friend wasn’t paying and Wes was smoking all of the money he and I both made. Sadly that continued for quite some time. We then moved in with my father and since Wes and I were already engaged, my father pushed us into setting a date and getting married. My father is a cruel man. He thought we were all worthless because we never went to college and he thought that if I didn’t get married, he would end up taking care of me for the rest of my life. What is even worse is he knew exactly how Wes was. Marrying me off to an abusive druggie was somehow better than saving me from him. Wes would throw that up in my face every chance he got too.
My father decided that he wanted to go back to slutting around so he wanted us to move out. He bought us a house and we were to pay him $500 a month for it which didn’t even work out past the first month. Wes was still smoking all of his money and I couldn’t find a job. The abuse continued and the money he was making clearly wasn’t enough because I woke up one morning to find everything that plugs in (portable radios, CD players and VCRs) gone to pay for drugs.
One night after a huge fight I told him he wasn’t allowed to take my car to go get more drugs and he tried to run me over with my own car in the driveway. I called my dad crying and he showed up the next day to loan us money and as passive as I was I didn’t stand up and say we are not going to pay off your dealer with this money but I didn’t. Again, I wish I would have. My dad ended up blaming me for everything and taking the house away shortly after that.
We moved to New Jersey with his sister because we had absolutely no where else to go after that. The abuse continued. One night he punched me dead in the face. I used to call my mom collect all the time and tell her I wanted to come home but I never would. I wasn’t ready. As I said, he used to say awful things to me and I believed him but since we were living out of state the things he said were much worse. He would tell me that my family didn’t want me either and I believed him.
I don’t want you to think that I was passive all the time and took all of the abuse because I didn’t. I did get some really good shots in too sometimes but not always. I honestly wish I would have gotten more because of the 2 of us that deserved this treatment it was clearly him.
When we finally got our own apartment it was so much worse. So much worse. He made a friend that he could do drugs with so that started again. The only really good thing is that we worked different shifts in different buildings. He worked in receiving and I worked in shipping. So I didn’t really have to see him all that much which honestly was completely fine with me.
One of his friends from here came to live with us one time. That lasted about a month. Everything was completely fine until I got up one morning and went out into the living room without Wes and he accused us both of screwing around. His friend left and went home that day and I was suddenly a total slut that was screwing everyone.
One time we had a huge shipment going out because they got a huge contract to set up a whole bunch of stores. Honestly I lost all track of time but didn’t want to go home. He showed up and practically dragged me out of there because I hadn’t called for a ride to come home yet. His friend was there that I supposedly had a huge crush on working too. When I got home I was beaten severely and had an actual bruise on my chest. When he thought I was having an affair with someone else in shipping he kicked me repeatedly with his work boots on. It took a month for the bruises on my legs to go away. Once I thought I was pregnant and he punched me in the stomach because he was mad at me for some reason. I don’t even remember why but he also knew I was late. He did it to punish me and take something from me that I really wanted.
Throughout all of this I thought that this was what I deserved. I was never ready to leave him. I still believed everything he said to me. He said my family didn’t want me around, that must have been true right? That is until he said it was okay with him if I went home for my grandfather’s 75th birthday party and I found out for myself that everything he said was wrong. That somehow gave me strength.
I got home and when I went to work on Monday, he had for some reason left his wallet in the car along with several ATM receipts which basically let me know that he cleaned out the bank account again and my car payment that I had paid just before I left was going to bounce. I went home to confront him and he pushed me down so that my armpit caught the top of the kitchen chair on the way down. I even called 911 but chickened out and hung up. They showed up but I didn’t say anything but I think they pretty much knew what was going on because I was crying. Instead that was really what it took for me to decide that I had had enough and wanted out. I packed up my car with what I could and drove home which was really something because I had never driven on the freeway before.
The point is, I had to decide for myself what exactly was good for me and what I would accept. I had to be ready to decide that I wanted and deserved better. But no one deserves to be treated badly for any reason. He took everything from me and did humiliate me in public every chance that he got and I just took it. I didn’t think I deserved any better treatment. If my father would sell me off to someone as low as he is, who was I to question any of that? And we were together for years. I thought that being with him was better than being alone. It isn’t.
Everyone deserves someone that will treat you like you are the sun, moon and stars. Everyone deserves someone that will encourage you to do and want better. Everyone deserves someone who will speak to you and treat you nicely. Who won’t humiliate them in public but if there is a problem talk to them privately and with respect (I was told I’m horrible in bed in the middle of a McDonald’s. I’m not. He also told me I didn’t have a good body once. I was really skinny with big boobs when we met). But you have to be willing to tell the people that don’t treat you that way to leave because you deserve better.
It took a lot for me to get here and I refuse to go back. I deserve someone that will love me for me and not try to take anything from me. Not my self esteem, my house, my life, my bank account. I deserve someone that will tell me that no one else is ever going to love me because I am never going to be stupid enough to let me go. Love someone who is going to love me for me and not what I could give them. Someone who wants nothing more than my heart.
You don’t have to take crap from anyone for any reason and you shouldn’t either. If someone gives you nothing but crap, you have no reason to ever want to be there and you really shouldn’t. Before you can take care of anyone else you have to take care of you. If someone knows they can treat you any kind of way that’s exactly how they are going to treat you.
But another thing is you know pretty much right away whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. If you are years into a relationship and you still don’t know, you can pretty much bet that you don’t. Be with someone you can see yourself loving for the rest of your life. Be with someone you enjoy spending time with. You have worked far too hard to get everything you wanted. You worked far too hard to create the life you wanted. You worked far too hard to be with someone who has no class and wants to take it from you. You deserve to be with someone who will encourage you and be proud of everything you accomplished.
Always, ALWAYS remember that. Take care of you. People that truly love you only want great things for you. People who truly love you don’t want to see you hurt or hurt you. People that truly love you are proud of you. People that truly love you don’t have a hidden agenda. You get what you give. Treat people the way you want to be treated. There is always someone out there that would be proud to call you their own. Be with that person instead of someone that would hurt you for kicks. Someone out there will love you with everything they have. Remember that too.